


You're my whole world

by GreenScarf221B



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: 4x02, Addiction, Angst, Canon, F/M, Hate, It's hard, Love, M/M, POV Sherlock Holmes, Problems, UST, What-If, change of plot, sherlock/john
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 13:18:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9898886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenScarf221B/pseuds/GreenScarf221B
Summary: Famous scene of 4x02: the hug between Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.We've always seen the POV of John Watson but what did Sherlock think during that conversation? It's time to discover it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for eventual mistakes. My brain sometimes doesn't want to collaborate.

221B Baker Street again. Sitting in our chairs drinking tea again. Face to face again. Tea made by John again. Not so near as always. Not alone for now. Drugs vanished. Good job Mycroft. Damn you brother. I need a dose. Throat is dry. Burn. The pain is unbearable. Tea isn’t enough. But John. John is here. Squared cheap shirt. Jeans. Milk stain. Date shoes. Tired. Didn’t sleep last night. Worked in surgery this morning. First tea of the day. Still Angry. Sad. Tormented. By who? Mug is hot. Hands hurt. Dose. I need a dose.

_“Sherlock?”_ – My reflexes are much slower. Thoughts keep me away from the conversation. Can’t do it right now. John is here. With drugs I could be ready for this. Pain. I need a dose.

“I had, of course, several other backup plans. Trouble is, I couldn’t remember what they were. And, of course, I hadn’t really anticipated that I’d hallucinated meeting his daughter.” How did my mind to do so? It’s impossible. I have to try again. As soon as he leaves. Bedroom. Third axis to the right. Yes. I need to understand what happened. I’ll feel good after. He still doesn’t talk. He’s lost in his thoughts. Of course. I forgot it. He needs time. It’s hard. Too late to change. Pain on my chest again. I hope he goes away soon. No. He has to stay here. No. Dose first. No. He need to stay here. He won’t stay. He looks at his watch. Other plans. Pain. Tea. Hot. No sugar?. Pain as I swallow. Ribs still sore. I sighed? Yes. He’s too silent. I need to continue to talk or he’ll go away.

“Still a bit troubled by the daughter. Did seem very real, and she gave me information I couldn’t have acquired elsewhere.” Still no question? Can’t continue. Conversations are useless. This method is useless. Can’t find anything in this way. Will he write a blog even on this? I have to give him details. I need to try again. Yes.

_ “But she wasn’t ever here?”  _ – John is looking at me. He will have noticed my eye. Not your fault. He’s tormented. He’s not focused. I have to add details. Deductions maybe.

_ “ _ Interesting, isn’t it? I have theorised before that if one could attenuate to every available data stream in the world simultaneously, it would be possible to anticipate and deduce almost  _ anything _ .” Not sure about it. Minimal dates. Don’t remember. I should repeat again the process. Compose everything again. Notes in the kitchen. No. Brother surely eliminated them. Bedroom then. 7% first. 9% after 3hrs. Pain again. Can’t see clearly. John nods. Time to show up. First John’s deduction after months.

_ “Hm. So you dreamed up a magic woman who told you things you didn’t know.” – _ Wrong. Didn’t dream her. Imagined her. Mind place made the magic. Associated the infos I had. Re-imagined his daughter. But the note she gave me? I read that fucking note. She was here. I can’t explain. I need more data. Another dose can make me think.

“Perhaps the drugs opened certain doors in my mind.” Yes. Need to try. My health can wait. If it works I can use this method for more cases. No one will find it. I’m alone now. John won’t find it.  “I’m intrigued.” – Tea is getting cold. Look away from John. He suspects something. He has a radar for this. I’m like his sister now.

_ “Oh, I know you are...”  _ – Bingo! Caught! I’m officially Harry. – “ _... which is why we’re all taking it in turns to keep you off the sweeties.”  _ – Ah! Of course. Babysitting. Molly. Mrs Hudson. Craig. Even brother. And now John. Hate this tea. I just need a dose. Drugs will resolve everything. I’ll need a notepad to write exactly what will happen. You can’t fool me. I’ll fool you John. Yes. Even you. As your sister did with you. I'd laugh if I had not a knife in my chest. Pain is unbearable. Again. More now. 

“I thought we were just hanging out.” – I smile. My sense of humour hasn’t changed. It’s still here John. I’m still the same. You not. Socialize with your friends, whether it is of your choosing or not. That’s what we’re making right now. He’s watching again his watch. Worried. No, no. Embarrassed maybe. Cheeks are a bit rose now. No. Impatient. Date tonight. Someone important. He doesn’t want to be late.

_ “Molly’ll be here in twenty minutes.” _ – Another babysitter. At least she knows the basics of first aid. Don’t know how she’ll find me after my experiment. After my dose. I have to try something strong. 20 minutes. Perfect. I’ve everything.

“Oh, I do think I can last twenty minutes without supervision.” – Smiles reassure people. Already experienced. They put people at ease. Even fake smiles. Yeah, John is in the trap. Too occupied for his date. He didn’t imagine. Perfect. If it had happened before, he would not have fallen into my trap. Now it’s different. He’s different. I’m not. Pain. Go away John. Drug is waiting for me. Replies are waiting for me. I’m alone.

_ “Well, if you’re sure.”  _ – Yes. Sure. I’m alone now. Totally alone. Pain again. Can’t think properly. He’s going. The medical examination is completed. Time for his date. Even I have a date John. With my dose. At least, it doesn’t leave me alone.

_ “Uh, sorry, it’s just, um, you know, Rosie.” _ – Shit! Rosamund! Rosie! How could I forget her? He doesn’t have a date. He has just one thing in mind and it’s his daughter! That’s why he’s tormented. It’s hard. I see it. Now it’s clear. 

“Yes, of course, Rosie.” – Without a mother. Wonder where she’s right now. He left her to come here. It must not happen again. I’ll lie during next days. I’ll tell that I’ll be good. He needs to take care of her daughter. Now that he’s alone. Like me. No. He isn’t like me. He has a daughter now. He won’t be alone. Never. I’m alone. Throat is dry. Sore. I feel a strange sensation. My vision’s blurry. Dose.

“ _ You’ll be okay for twenty minutes?”  _ – Worried. He’s trying to understand me. I see it in his eyes. No. You can’t do it. No more. 

“Yes. Yes! Sorry, I-I wasn’t thinking of Rosie.” – Act. I have to act.  

“ _ No problem.” _

“I should, uh, come and see her… soon.” – Hope. There’s still hope. A light in the darkness. I can go to see her. Yes. It might be an idea. That’s what friends do. I can help him. We can start with it. Maybe she can come here sometimes. As before. I can make her see my experiments. She can learn Chemistry. Yeah. She can go to the best schools in London. My brother won’t make problems. I can prepare her. It’s not late. She will be smart enough. She’ll be great. If John permits me of course. If he still want this. If I’m still his friend.

_ “Yes.” _ – He didn’t talk for real. Or did he? I can’t make deduction right now. I can’t look in the face. No, he wasn’t sincere. He doesn’t want me. He wrote me even a note saying it. I still have it. In my coat. That was the first night that I started to take my 7%. I need it right now. He’s going. I’ll be alone again. Especially today. Nothing is changed. I’ll take a dose as soon as he’ll go. Yes. Maybe more stronger than the last one. So, he’ll come here again. No. No. I can’t do it. Wait. Yes. He’ll run if Molly will find me in that state. No. 20 minutes are too much. Stay John. Help me. Please. Wait!

“Oh, by the way, the recordings will probably be inadmissible.” – He stopped. Good. Curiosity is always his weak point.

_ “Sorry, what?” _ – Distractions. Opinions. Deductions. Cases. I can do it.  

_ “ _ Well, technically, it’s entrapment so it might get thrown out as evidence. Not that that matters; apparently he can’t stop confessing.” – I smile again. That little bastard. Serial killers are always so predictable.

_ “That’s good.”  _ – 3 words. No questions? Usually he loved to make jokes of them. C’mon.

“Yeah.” – Nothing. He changed. He’s hurt. What should I expected? I’m the man who killed his wife. He won’t forgive me too easily. Neither with some deductions or cases. It will need time. I’ll stay here with my cold tea waiting for that time. Time that won’t arrive. I lost him. Again, the feelings of before. I can’t lose him. I don’t want to stay here alone. Maybe I can….

“Are you okay?” – That’s what friend do. Or at least. That’s what normal friend do. Ask simple questions about health. He can’t reply with just a “yes or no”… or does he? Yes. Of course. He can. He has all the rights to do it. But at least, it gives me more time. Wait. Why he’s laughing now? I missed something during my thoughts?

_ “Uh, what, am I ... no, no, I’m not okay. I’m never gonna be okay.... but we’ll just have to accept that. It is what it is; and what it is is ... shit.” _ – Wrong question. Good. Well done. He’s hurt of course. What did I think? God. I need a dose. I’m acting like a stupid. He doesn’t want to talk with me. His muscles are tense. His voice is calm just because he is acting cool. I killed his wife.

_ “Hm.” _ \- Preparing to say something important. He’s deciding how to say it. Probably wants to tell me again what was written on the note. Reminding to keep distance from him. From Rosie. From his family. The stronger dose won’t be a bad idea after all.

_ “You didn’t kill Mary.” _ – Impossible. I. Killed. Mary. It. Was. My. Fault. Completely.

_ “Mary died saving your life. It was her choice. No-one made her do it. No-one could ever make her do anything... but the point is: you did not kill her.”  _ – I was here. She was here. I chose to take her there. With me. I was talking. Deducting as always. I went over. Challenging. I could not imagine what would have happened. But I had to. Never trust the enemy. And I did it. A big mistake. Mary saved me.

“In saving my life, she conferred a value on it.” – I didn’t deserve it. I don’t value so much. –  _ “ _ It is a currency I do not know how to spend.” - I will carry this guilt forever. Maybe helping Rosie will help me. Again the light into the darkness. I can give her everything she needs. Yes. It can work. No.. It won’t work. It won’t be enough. Never. It’s time for a dose. I feel it. I can’t stay anymore here. Pain now is too strong. Even for me. The feeling in my chest is exploding. 

_ “It is what it is.”  _ – Fuck it. Right John. I fucked everything. Drug. I need it. Before it’s too late. Before my human being takes over on me.     

_ “Uh, I’m tomorrow, six ’til ten. I’ll see you then.” _ – I won’t be here. Acting.

_ “ _ Looking forward to it.” –  _ “ Yeah.” _ \- Rise my cup of cold tea as a greeting. Goodbye John Watson. You were a good friend. My only friend. And I screwed everything. You were the only one for which I have… I have ever…. The One. And now it’s gone.

_ Aha…. _

Fuck! The Woman, worst time E.V.E.R.! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! John is freezed at the door. He recognized that. Of course. He can’t forget it. 59 texts. He counted them. He’ll find out everything. He’ll find out that I saved her. He’ll find out that we text sometimes. He’ll find out my agreement with her. John is not ready for it. Not now. It’s not the right time to explain it. I’ve to act again. I’ll try to lie. Yes. Act normal. That’s what I’ll do.

_ “What was that?” _ – he’s coming back. I look around the room confused. Yes. It’ll work. Lie. Lie. Lie. That’s what I’ll do. But he came back. Another feeling in my chest. Not bad as the one before.

“Mm?”  _ –  _ don’t be nervous. First rule. I can do it. - “What was what?”

_ “That noise.” _ \- Doesn’t want to let it go. His look changed. He’s studying me. He’s looking at me carefully. He can’t discover it. No. I didn’t tell him. I have to continue my acting. Urgh… the tea is a shit.

What noise? – He’s coming here… look everywhere but not on him. It’s impossible. How? He can’t know. Not after our conversation. Not after what happened. I suspect The Woman made it on purpose. Maybe she’s observing us now.  She wants to give me more suffering today. John is in front of me now. He’s frowning. Time to look him in the eyes.

“John?”

_ “I’m gonna make a deduction.” _ Right. Time to play. Again. Wrong deduction again. Surely. I’ll make him stop soon. So he can go. And I’my plan. 15 minutes now.

“Oh, okay. That’s good.”

_ “And if my deduction is right, you’re gonna be honest and tell me, okay?” _ – You won’t never discover it. I’m sure. You can’t know it. Nobody told you. Even my brother won’t be so mean to me. So it’s impossible…it’s better to start talking and distract him during his process.

“Okay. Though I should mention that it is possible for any given text alert to become randomly attached to a...” –  _ “Happy birthday.” _ \- Words fallen. The impossible became possible. He found it. How. I want to know his thoughts. He’s good at this but not resolving cases. Just. How. Weird feeling in my chest. What’s that. It’s like a warm liquid flowed into my chest. Inside my heart. What’s that feeling.  

“Thank you, John. That’s ... very kind of you.” – Tea is attractive now. I can choke with it. It would be a brief ploy to stop this conversation and go on. I have to take notes of this weird aspect of my status. Analyse that. Was it the drug? Addiction? Was… John’s wishes?

_ “Never knew when your birthday was.” _ – never told you. Hate festivities. Hate gifts. People hate me. So why did I ever say it? For fake wishes and fake parties? No. The Woman knows it ‘cause she read my dossier. John didn’t. John never wanted to know anything about me. Even if he was so curious. That’s why he’s the only who knows me. Who knows the real me. Not the one written in the medical files.

“Well, now you do.” – drink the cold tea. Terrible way to found out. As always. I would found another way to tell him. One day maybe. Not now. Wrong time. Wrong occasion. Wrong location. No maybe the location is good. Timing is a disaster. Will never end this day? 13 minutes. I can’t even take my dose. Better to stay silent.

_ “Seriously, we’re not gonna talk about this?” _ – I’m not strong enough to take a discussion even of why I didn’t tell you it. Please. I know he hates me but please. I can’t. Not now. I don’t have strengths. I’m in pain. I just want silence. Curl up in the couch and think. And take a dose.

“Talk about what?” – “ _ I mean, how does it work?” _ – I can’t even look him in the eyes. Mine are burning at the moment. The warmness is gone. Pain is back again. I won’t resist too long. Not anymore. I’ve no more reasons.  

“How does  _ what _ work?” – I’m tired of this shit. It has to stop now.

_ “You and The Woman.” _ – Jesus Christ!! No! Again. No. I can’t believe that he wants to talk about her again. Like 2 years ago. Sigh in exasperation. His eyes are right on me. I feel him. Day is ruined. It was already of course. Now. It’s worse. Thank you Woman. Another discussion about my feelings for her. Never the right one about my feelings anyway. Never.

_ “D’you go to a discreet Harvester sometimes? Is there a ... night of passion in High Wycombe?” _ – yes of course. We go in a fancy restaurant. We talk about nonsense. Order oysters and red wine to increase passion. Champagne ready in the room at Herons Nest in High Wycombe. Stupid word during the ride and of course preliminaries for the big show later. Can’t continue. Too much. Anger. Wrath. Resentment. Sadness. How could you, John. I thought you knew me. I’m so disappointed. I have to stop it.

“Oh, for God’s sakes. I don’t text her back.” – John. Understand. Please. You can’t be so different. You changed. Yes. Marriage changed you. Mary changed you. But not like this. Please. Can’t stand it. Please.

_ “Why not?!” _ – You know why. You know exactly why. Everyone knows why. Even Mary knew it. And you don’t? He’s looking at me, grinning. He’s mad. With me. For The Woman. Incredible. This anger can’t be just for her. He’s hiding something. What. He’s not telling the truth. I can be post-drug-mood but my deductions are still working. What are you hiding John? I need a dose.

_ “You bloody… moron!”  _ – Moron. At me. I’m in shock. They said worst words at me. But moron. He’s angry. I’m hurt. Will he punch me again? Like in the mortuary. I’m too weak for another round. Better stare at him. Silent. Not sure if I could speak anyway.

_ “She’s out there ...” _ \- Not interested John. I told you already. You didn’t listen to me? – _ “she likes you, and she’s alive.”  _ – Not. Interested. She. Is. Not. My. Area. – _ “and do you have the first idea how lucky you are?”  _ – Lucky for what? For someone who used me, my mixed feelings, my weakness to help Moriarty? I’m not lucky for her. You’ve to change subject. Person. Maybe. Then I can agree with you. Sad. Disappointed. Trying to stay calm. I can’t even move. Just stare at him. – “ _ Yes, she’s a lunatic, she’s a criminal, she’s insanely dangerous – trust you to fall for a sociopath ...” _ – Not lunatic. Yes criminal. Not dangerous. Definitely not sociopath. I’m lunatic. I’m sociopath. You’re mixing people John. Totally. I. Didn’t. Fall. For. Her. John. Understand it. – “ _ but she’s ... you know ...” _

“What?” – my soulmate? The other half of the apple? Please. Stop it. Stop. It. Now. You don’t understand. Never understood. As always. Someone make him stop. Too shocked. Too disappointed to make a proper conversation. I need a dose. This is too much.

_ “Just text her back.”  _ – He looks tired now. Emptied. Shadows in his eyes. He can’t throw myself into The Woman’s arms just because she is the best opportunity. For him. Not for me. Everyone thinks that. Why.  

“Why?” – Mind place could be useful right now. Hiding from the world who wants me in a relationship. Suppress pain. Forget this horrible day. Have a dose.

_ “Because High Wycombe is better than you are currently equipped to understand.” _ – That’s hurt. He’s speaking like I have no feelings of my own!. But I have feelings John. I hurt. I suffer. I can feel joy. I can feel pain. I can care about someone. I can even… love. Nobody understands it. My family. Doctors. Every person I met in my life. Even you. John. I was sure that you were different from the others. John. Apparently, you want the cold Sherlock Holmes. Good.

“I once caught a triple poisoner in High Wycombe.” – do you want that? Another story for your blog?

_ “That’s only the beginning, mate.” _ – oh please. Stop it. I’m annoyed now. Time to refresh your memory, Dr. Watson. 

“As I think I have explained to you  _ many _ times before, romantic entanglement, while fulfilling for other people...” –  _ “... would complete you as a human being.” _ \- “That doesn’t even mean anything.” – Not with the wrong person. You know that John. Why are we talking about it again? I’m not interested in that woman! Use your smarts to understand. He’s leaning closer to me. God. I talked too much again.

“ _ Just text her. Phone her. Do something while there’s still a chance, because that chance doesn’t last forever. Trust me, Sherlock: it’s gone before you know it. BEFORE.YOU.KNOW.IT.” _ – I know it John. I know the feeling of losing a chance. I’ve lost mine. Times ago. Not with The Woman. With you. When I fell from the roof. My chance gone that day. Nothing can bring back the lost opportunity. But you were saved from Mary. Mary gave you another chance. And now… it’s lost. Again. 

_ “She was wrong about me. _ ” – Look at him. Puzzled. Why.

“Mary? How so?” – What did she tell him?

_ “She thought that if you put yourself in harm’s way I’d ... I’d rescue you or something. But I didn’t – not ’til she told me to. And that’s how this works. That’s what you’re missing. She taught me to be the man she already thought I was. Get yourself a piece of that.” _ – No. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. And a million of times W.R.O.N.G. John. You’re an incredible brave man. You care about people. You saved me even before Mary. The first time we met. The first case we did together. You shot a man to save me. You can’t think that you aren’t that kind of man. You need to know it. It’s time for me to make you know what… what I think about you. What I think about the wonderful person in front of me.

“Forgive me, but you are doing yourself a disservice. I have known many people in this world but made few friends, and I can safely say...” – “ _ I cheated on her.”  _ – for a moment I’m sure that the world has stopped. John. What are you saying. It’s not true. It can’t be possible. No. I don’t believe you.

_ “No clever comeback?”  _ – I do not what to say. First time in my life. I do not what to say.

_ “I cheated on you, Mary.” –  _ Blink. I turn my head where John is looking. There’s nothing. What…Damn. Now it’s clear. How could I have been so blind? There’s nothing for me. Not for him. Now I understand. He’s keeping Mary alive. He doesn’t want to lose her. His suffering created a personal Mind Place with Mary. She was always with him all this time after her death. And I didn’t help him. I wasn’t here to help him. John.

_ “There was a woman on the bus, and I had a plastic daisy in my hair. I’d been playing with Rosie. And this girl just smiled at me. That’s all it was; it was a smile.”  _ – it’s not cheating John. You can’t feel guilty for having smiled to a woman. You can’t feel bad for it. It’s human. Now I understand all the anger you had. You didn’t have the time to tell it to Mary. I’m sure that she would forgive you. John. Please. Look at me. John.

_ “We texted constantly. You wanna know when? Every time you left the room, that’s when. When you were feeding our daughter; when you were stopping her from crying – that’s when. That’s all it was, just texting. _ ” – Crack on his voice. He’s continuing to talk with Mary. Words are getting out like a river in flood. He’s broken. He’s about to cry. I feel helpless. I’m broken. Now I understand even why he talked to me before about The Woman. I was stupid to think that he was equal to the other. My John. My view is vanishing again. I know what is it. John. Please.

_ “But I wanted more.” –  _ Look at him. No. John. It’s not true. Please. Don’t be the man you don't want to be. I know you.  _ – “And d’you know something? I still do. I’m not the man you thought I was; I’m not that guy. I never could be. But that’s the point. – _ I can’t see you in this state. Please. You are a brave man. You have lots of qualities. You are gentle. You are kind. You are the man that everyone would love to meet. You are able to see the good in everyone. You saw the good in me. He sniffs. He’s biting his lip just to stop crying. He’s breaking into pieces. In front of me. John.  -  “ _ That’s… the… whole point…Who you thought I was ... is the man who I want to be.”  _ – You’re already this man. Please. I wanna help you. John. He’s crying. No. John. I can’t see him in that way. I need to do something. My John. No. I have to do something. I can’t permit that he feel alone. He’s not alone. I’m here. John. I’m here. The pain is excruciating. I have to get up. I don’t care about my ribs now. Physical pain can wait. I’m here. John. I’m here for you.

_ “ _ It’s okay.” – Never done it. Please don’t reject me. Left hand onto John’s arm. Right hand onto his back. He’s warm. Shaking with sobs. Tears. Right hand on his neck. I’m hugging him. John. Do you feel me? I’m here. We can get out of it. I won’t leave you alone. I promise. I’ll be always with you. I’ll protect you and your daughter. Left arm circling John’s shoulder. So warm.  

_ “It’s not okay.” –  _ “No.” – Not yet. For now. It will be. I promise. Never again. I made so many mistakes. I’ll be here. I’m so close to him. Squeeze him. Please John. Make me take care of you. Make me help you. I care about you. A lot. Please John. I feel John’s head on my cheek. Here. I don’t care about pain. I’m just here for you. Please John. 

“But it is what it is...” – Love.. No. Not the right time. No. Tears wet my face. Am I crying? Yes. I sob. Left hand stroke John's back. Up and down. Calm John. His head is resting on my chest.  He’s so soft. I feel my t-shirt wet from his tears. I don’t care. It feels good. It feels right. Right time to show how much I care about him. I care him a lot. No one can hope to be at the same level of John. My John. My wonderful John. My brave John. His hand is on my waist. Strong hand. Soft on me. Can’t breathe properly. Calm. Head is stroking on my chest. Sobbing something on my chest. Long breath.

_ “Sherlock… I am so sorry” – _ John. Don’t dare to say it. – “It’s all ok. Nothing happen.” – I forgave you a second later.  Can’t be mad at you. Can’t be angry with you. You’re everything for me. The One.

_ "It happened….Sherlock… my note…was a lie…don’t…leave me… " _ Sobbing stronger than before. John. How can I leave you? How. I can’t leave you. I will kill myself if I lost you. Another stroke down his back and up again.  

"I know that. John. I won’t leave you. Never." John’s forehead is on my cheek… I could stay here forever. That’s my place. Together with him. He wants me near. I want him near. We will get through this. I’m sure. Stop drugs. Stop silliness. I have to prove that I care about him… that I… lov… no that I care. Yes. That’s what he wants.

_ “I’m a cock.”  _ – “No… you’re the most wonderful man I’ve had the pleasure to known.” - Pressed a little tighter into my chest. His arms are surrounding me. Little sigh. No. Not now. Warm. So warm. Sigh again. No. Feelings are pushing to get out. No. Calm. He needs me. Like a friend. His best friend. Even if he’s so warm. And soft. I need to say something to cheer him up.

“Plus, you can’t be a cock ‘cause you’ve already one in front of you. There can’t be two cocks in a couple… - shit! Idiot! - I mean in an amity” – Not the right time. Not now. Calm. Feeling him giggle on my chest. Cause me chills on my back. At least he smiled. The feeling of a warm liquid is again on my chest. It feels so good.

_ “You’re right…” –  _ sighs quivering. Hand on my hip. Push me back a bit. Oh. Too tight. Right. He’s looking at me. Blue wet eyes on me. My right hand on his cheek. Wipe the tears with thumb. Smile. He smiles at me. My John. My strong John. My amazing John. Lean forward. Forehead touches his. Adore all this warmness around me. Pain is a thing of the past. Ribs aren’t hurting anymore. Feeling of peace around me. Smell of musk. His shampoo. His breathing is accentuated. Shut my eyes. That’s can’t be true. I’m on my mind place. Again. It starts always in this way. We’re here. He tight me more. I sigh. Then feel my lips meet his. He tends. Kiss him. So warm. Taste of tea. Sugar. It was not so bad that tea. Soft lips. Warm breath. Not mine. His. Touch his hair. Kiss him again. Tight grip. Ouch. Moan. My ribs. Open my eyes. Meet his. It’s real. Oh God. Wasn’t a dream?. What did I do?. Oh God. 

_ “Are you OK?”  _ – don’t know if I’m able to talk. – “Yes, sorry…err… my ribs…it’s…” – I cough. He releases his grip. Put his hands on my waist. Studying me again. My brain is off. I thought it was my mind place. I kissed him. He kissed me back. It felt so right. It can’t be right. Or not. Oh well it is what it is, love…


End file.
